When
sharing the results of his 360-degree feedback with him, Henry seemed to show a
great deal of interest – not surprising for someone who is considered a
high-potential manager at a global services company. I had just started
coaching Henry and found him to be bright, analytical and very ambitious.
However, as I had experienced, Henry was not a good listener. He was quick to
argue, and at times did not really pay much attention to any feedback that he
sensed was negative. His 360 feedback results confirmed my intuition. Coming
from subordinates, peers, his manager, and even from some senior executives, there
was a consistent theme that Henry needed to be a better listener.
Henry
did not accept this feedback well. He insisted that he was a good listener,
that he paid attention when others were talking, and that he had improved his
tendency to interrupt others by waiting (albeit impatiently) until they
finished making their point. Furthermore, he claimed that he had been applying
body-language listening techniques such as making eye contact and leaning
forward. Were they just thinking about the old Henry, he asked? The comments
about him did not seem accurate anymore, he claimed.
In
my experience as a team member, manager and coach, I have become convinced that
being a good listener is one of the most important qualities of an effective
executive – indeed, of a good parent, physician, spouse, or friend. And there
is considerable research on the benefits and impact of good listening. Just
recently, Kate Murphy, in a recent New York Times opinion piece (January 12,
2020), referred to research that has found that “… when talking to inattentive
listeners, the speakers volunteered less information and conveyed information
less articulately. Conversely … attentive listeners received more information,
relevant details, and elaboration from speakers, even when the listeners didn’t
ask any questions.”
Yet
so often, many of us fall short of becoming good listeners. What makes this
especially challenging is our own self-serving bias. As the research has shown,
we tend to believe that we are above average in many areas, e.g., driving
skills, intelligence, etc., and I would bet this also applies to our
perceptions of our listening skills. When I ask my students how many of them
believe that they are good listeners, more than half raise their hands.
According
to Oscar Trimboli, who has a book as well as a podcast called Deep Listening,
we spend at least 55 percent of our day listening, yet only two percent are
being trained to listen. He identifies the four villains of listening: the
interrupting listener (who wants to jump in right away), the dramatic listener
(who can’t wait to expand on what you are saying to add their own experiences),
the lost listener (who checks out of the conversation), and the shrewd listener
(who is too busy trying to solve the problem that the speaker is talking about
and not really what might be unsaid).
Why
are managers poor at it? When I think back on all the managers I have
interviewed, reported to, managed, and coached, they seem to be holding one or
more of these four assumptions. One, I am right and others are wrong; they have
nothing to offer, while I am the expert with lots of experience. Two, I don’t
want to show my ignorance or weakness by listening or asking questions. Three,
I don’t have time to listen; my day is filled with tasks and meetings, so just
get to the point. Four, I need to show that I can act quickly and make quick
judgments; besides, I trust my gut.
This
is a syndrome not just of managers but also of other professionals, especially
physicians. For example, research suggests doctors interrupt their patients
during an appointment after 11 seconds (median time), not even giving their patients
a chance to fully explain the reason for their visit. And with the emphasis on
electronic record keeping, remember your last doctor’s visit, when he or she
probably spent more time typing on their laptop while talking to you than
making eye contact and expressing empathy?
Unfortunately,
the popular literature on listening seems to focus on techniques, such as
watching your body language, nodding, mirroring or rephrasing. Trimboli, for
example, suggests the following: listen to yourself (especially your breathing),
listen to the content (not just the words but the whole person), listen to the
context (the patterns in the person’s dialogue), listen to what’s unsaid, and listen
for meaning. These are excellent suggestions. There is nothing inherently wrong
with these techniques; in fact, they can be very helpful at times. But to be an
effective listener requires something more fundamental than learning some
techniques.
In
my experience, becoming a better listener starts with making two decisions about
yourself, and then following these up with actions. Your first decision is to
resolve that you will want to become a more effective listener, and then start
by identifying those situations or individuals when you fail to listen. For
example, it might be when you are interacting with subordinates who you believe
are too junior or whose intelligence you don’t respect. Or it might be when you
are challenged or questioned by a person with whom you might feel competitive. Make
a list of those situations; for some clients, I recommend they do a daily log (for
which I’ve created a template) for two weeks and then look for themes.
Your
second decision is to adopt a listening mindset by respecting what others have
to say, and not rushing to judge too quickly on their remarks; in other words,
listen first to understand. Then start by identifying specific behaviors you
would like to improve on, for example, pausing or counting to three before
responding, or watching your body language, so you can build your listening habits.
Interestingly enough, what I have found is that some male executives will say
that they are not just as good a listener as their spouse or some of their
female managers – as though their being male is an excuse for being a poor
listener. Guys, you have to be convinced that you want to and can be a better
listener, and it has nothing to with your male identity.
It
goes without saying that getting feedback from others is important, and this
also requires listening. Find a trusted advisor or colleague who can regularly
provide you with feedback on whether or not you are becoming a better listener
and listen carefully to their feedback. If you truly want to become a better
listener, you need to be convinced that listening will help you (and others)
and that being a good listener is a quality you would like to see in yourself. So
instead of focusing immediately on techniques, resolve first to become a better
listener and adopt a listening mindset.
Trimboli,
O. (2017). Deep Listening: Impact Beyond Words.
