Naturally Disgruntled Team Members - What Can a Manager Do?

As most managers know by now, working from home (WFH) has presented some challenges for their team members. While some have embraced it, others are less than thrilled. A manager I was talking to recently said he found these new arrangements as definitely a mixed blessing for him and his team. He was thinking specifically about two of his team members who he described as constantly complaining and unhappy just about anything. On the other hand, he noted, with WFH other team members don’t get to listen to their complaints as much as they used to.

 

I’d like to focus on those experiences you may have had at work with colleagues or team members who always seem to be disgruntled. Al was a professional colleague of mine who was brilliant in his job as a compensation professional for a multinational company. Unfortunately, he had a reputation for having a surly attitude and a grumpiness that rubbed many in this company the wrong way, especially since the corporate culture valued colleagues who were extroverted, friendly and very outgoing. He would march into the company’s building early in the morning, a large cup of coffee in his hand, then go straight to his office without saying a word, or even nodding or acknowledging the presence of his colleagues and others on the floor where he worked. He once said to me that he couldn't understand why people expected him to greet them when all he wanted to do was to go right to his desk to check his emails and have his morning cup of coffee. He didn't want to be bothered with superficial greetings or having to smile unnecessarily. Al was also a complainer; it seemed like he changed jobs every other year or so, not because of poor performance; he always seemed to find fault in every firm where he worked.

 

You have probably met individuals like Al at work – individuals who have a high grumpiness factor and always seem to be complaining about something, whether it's the temperature in the office, the quality of the coffee, the competence of his co-workers, or the uselessness of all the meetings he is required to attend (on this last point, of course, we can all empathize).

Is Al just one of those naturally grumpy workers? It turns out that over the years, researchers have been discovering genetic factors in job attitudes. In their now classic research piece, Arvey et al. (1989) measured job attitudes of 34 pairs of monozygotic twins who were reared apart from an early age. They were very careful to partial out job complexity, motor skills, and physical demand scores from their various job satisfaction measures. They found that approximately 30% of the observed variance in general satisfaction was due to genetic factors. Their data also showed significant heritabilities for many job characteristics They concluded:

“It appears that the organization may have somewhat less ‘control’ over job satisfaction than is commonly believed particularly with respect to intrinsic satisfaction … The data suggest certain boundaries for each individual with regard to job satisfaction. Individuals appear to bring important predispositions to the job that may be more difficult to modify than heretofore acknowledged.” (p.191)

 

They have since conducted replications of this study and, in general, their conclusions have held up, despite criticisms of their work by other researchers. Arvey’s research furthermore shows that genetic influences are stronger with intrinsic versus extrinsic job satisfaction. Examples of intrinsic satisfaction include statements such as satisfaction with “the freedom to use my own judgment on the job” and “the chance to do something that makes use of my abilities.” Examples of extrinsic satisfaction statements are the satisfaction with “the praise I get from doing a good job” and “the way my boss handles people.”

 

In her book The How of Happiness, Sonia Lyubomirsky (2007) has suggested that, based on various meta-analyses, 50% of the differences among people's happiness levels can be accounted for by their genetically determined set points. She has found that each of us is born with a particular happiness set point that is basically genetically fixed. She argues that only about 10% of the variance in our happiness levels is explained by differences in life circumstances or situations; for example, whether we are rich or poor, healthy or unhealthy, etc. So what are the drivers of the remaining 40%? She calls this our intentional activity, that is, our own actions or behaviors that influence our happiness level.

 

In some other domains, we also find this conflation of both genetic and environmental factors – nature and nurture interacting with one another. For example, effective business leaders often have both the right characteristics such as ambition or high adjustment (the nature part) as well as the right behaviors, such as empathy (the nurture part).

 

Some managers will give up on individuals like Al. This is certainly the easier route to take – to shrug off a worker’s attitude to “that’s just the way he’s wired.” However, one of the key take-aways from all this research, as well as the years I have spent observing and working with managers at all levels, is that effective managers focus on creating the conditions where the behaviors they would like to encourage are more likely to thrive. This is the 40% difference that make it possible for managers to influence the behavior of individuals like Al.

 

A lot of managers these days have been learning that workers are reacting quite differently to the impact of the pandemic and to working from home. Although there is research evidence that productivity in general seems to have improved, I think there is probably a lot of variability in productivity across workers who are now working from, home. Some have embraced the new normal of WFH, while others can’t wait to get back to the office. And there are those who will continue to gripe about their situation, whether they are working from home or not. Another manager I was talking to could not understand why one of his team members was not more grateful that at least he still had a job during the pandemic!

 

Here are a few strategies for managers to consider:

1.     Accept the fact that workers will have different satisfaction set points and there is not much you can do about changing their underlying disposition. However, there is still a lot that you have control over – specifically, your own behavior and your reactions that can help your team members bring out their “better” selves.

2.     Focus on what you are doing to influence especially the “extrinsic satisfaction” of your team members. For example, what support and resources are you providing so that they can work productively and effectively? How often do you communicate with each of your team members and ask them how you can help? How well do you listen to what your team members are saying and not jump in too quickly to interrupt them?

3.     Get to know each of your team members so that you are able to “tailor” your messages and actions in a way that motivates them best. For example, one manager of a mid-sized company recognized that one of her employees wanted a lot of autonomy. She began to give him challenging assignments with clear expectations but otherwise let him determine how he would pursue them. Other team members might need a different approach. Therefore, as managers, take the time to get to know what drives each of your team members and figure out how you can align their goals with your team goals. Having regular one-on-one Zoom calls (in addition to your Zoom team meetings) with each of your team members will be time well spent.

 

 

Arvey, R. et al. (1989). Job Satisfaction: Environmental and Genetic Components. Journal of Applied Psychology, 74 (2), 187-192.

 

Arvey, R. et al. (1994), Genetic Influences on Job Satisfaction and Work Values. Personality and Individual Differences, 17 (1), 21-33.

 

Lyubomirsky, S. (2007). The How of Happiness: A Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Want. New York: The Penguin Press.

 

 

Using Global Mindset and Compassion During the Pandemic

Singapore is one of several countries In Asia that have been hit hard by the coronavirus. Although it was one of the first countries that acted aggressively in taking action to limit the number of individuals entering the country, it has experienced a recent surge in Covid-19 cases since the beginning of April, when it had just 1,000 cases. Almost 90 per cent of the new cases are among migrant workers, many of whom live in cramped dormitories.

I contacted several of my former executive MBA students there to find out how they as well as their employers are adjusting to the situation. I was especially interested to explore with them whether one of the concepts we had discussed when they took my course on Global Leadership – global mindset – would be relevant in this situation. You might ask, how would global mindset even be relevant these days, when managers are worried about conserving cash, protecting their staffs, navigating remote work, managing their stress levels, and paying attention to their own family’s situation? I wondered this myself but thought I would ask some of my students, who had learned through my course and my recent book (Henson, 2016) about the four elements of global mindset (which can be easily remembered with the acronym FACE): flexibility, acceptance, curiosity, and empathy. In brief, flexibility is about adapting and being resilient; acceptance is about bring open-minded and not judgmental; curiosity is about an eagerness to learn; and empathy is about seeking to understand others’ perspectives - putting yourself in the other person’s shoes.

It seemed to me that more than ever, managers today need to show even more flexibility, acceptance, curiosity and empathy to thrive in this current environment. The following are some examples from some of these students, all of whom are executives with major global responsibilities for their respective firms. For one student, flexibility means making adjustments to the way he conducts business and manages his team, which is spread out over the Asia-Pacific region. Since he and his team are now working from home, this means that “conference calls have become more straight to the point and getting the solutions more quickly … (since) they are more free in their home environment.”

Another example comes from a second student, who said that she has learned to accept workers’ situations and accommodate the disruptions to their schedule: “For example, I have had to be flexible and accepting when co-workers have to cut short a meeting to take care of their kid at home, or when a kid makes an appearance on the WebEx/ZOOM meeting, or you hear the kid yelling in the background.”

For a third student, who was recently assigned to start a new subsidiary for her company after it was acquired by a Japanese firm, acceptance means being open-minded about the Japanese way of doing business, and getting rid of some of her preconceived notions about the Japanese, especially the one about “Japanese only like to work with other Japanese.” It also means recognizing the Japanese norms about having to come to the office every day and then working with her Japanese team to help them better embrace the new normal of working from home.

For a fourth student, curiosity means taking the time to talk to each of her nine direct reports to find out how they are coping, how their families are coping, and what she and their company could do to better provide support for them.

And for a fifth student, empathy means getting to better understand the plight of some of the less fortunate in Singapore, especially those with lower incomes and the more vulnerable. When ordering groceries, for example, she is now very conscious of not overstocking or hoarding. She also tries to put herself in the shoes of her team members who are parents to try to understand how difficult the situation may be for them as parents:

“In such times, expecting the same output and productivity from the workers becomes somewhat unreasonable and extremely stressful, so one needs to be flexible and accepting here. Another area for empathy is recognizing that the working-from-home arrangement may have a huge psychological impact on some staff and (so I) need to check in with them on a personal level once in a while.”

So there you have it; being flexible, open, curious, and empathetic seems to be helpful for at least some managers and leaders these days in coping with the current situation we are all facing. I think this mindset also helps to create a culture of compassion in organizations, a capacity that Professor Jane Dutton (Dutton et al., 2020) writes about as especially important in times of trauma:

“Unleashing compassion in the workplace not only lessens the immediate suffering of those directly affected by trauma, it enables them to recover from future setbacks quickly and effectively, and it increases their attachment to their colleagues and hence to the company itself.” (p.26)

A compassionate response is what the Deans of a medical school demonstrated when they recently gave their students their personal mobile numbers and asked them to write their numbers on their arms and to call them should anything happen to them if they happen to be participating in any protests.

So here are two questions for your reflection:

1.    As a manager, what one or two actions can you take immediately to show either your flexibility, acceptance, curiosity or empathy to your staff who are working from home?

2.    As a business and global leader, how can you show more compassion to your staff, colleagues and customers? Remember that you have many opportunities every day through your “micro-behaviors” to show compassion – to show that you care - and this will go a long way towards building an engaged and committed work force and culture.

Dutton, J. et al. (Summer, 2020). Leading in Times of Trauma. Harvard Business Review.

Henson, R. (2016). Successful Global Leadership: Frameworks for Cross-Cultural Managers and Organizations. New York: Palgrave Macmillan.

Face Masks and Social Distancing: How Identity Can Help or Hurt Change Efforts

In the early days of this pandemic that we are all living through, you must have questioned – as I did – the behavior of the throngs of people up and about in San Francisco, or of people in bars in other parts of the country, seemingly oblivious to the dangers of COVID-19. And three months later, as countries are opening up, we are continuing to see people on beaches and gathering places, maskless. Why are so many people ignoring health and safety guidelines?

Rafael (not his real name), an executive I was coaching, was typical of many very successful executives – ambitious, confident, competitive, but also charming. Unfortunately, he was someone who was reluctant to approach colleagues for feedback or for help. In the course of my interviews to gather 360-degree data about him, there were a couple of peers in his organization who I had spoken to who thought highly of Rafael and who were willing to help him. In my coaching sessions with Rafael, he agreed that reaching out to these two colleagues was a good idea. Yet he did not seem to take any steps to contact them. Over several coaching sessions, we finally figured out what the underlying issue was behind his reluctance: it was his belief that asking for feedback, especially from peers, was not consistent with his own image of himself. This would be showing vulnerability – not a desirable quality for executives like himself who needed to show their toughness and invincibility. His identity was about projecting himself as strong and powerful, and he associated asking for feedback with being wimpy or weak, and this was blocking his ability and willingness to change his behavior.

In reflecting on this executive and on recent events in the news, as well as reading a number of recent books on organizational and behavior change (see my list at the end), a number of lessons on effective behavior change have become clearer to me.

Let’s first take a look at one of these books, written by several McKinsey consultants (Feser et al.). The authors suggest that individuals will change their mindset and behavior if four elements are present: leaders are role-modeling the new behaviors; the individuals themselves understand what is being asked of them and this makes sense to them; they have the skills and opportunities to behave in the new way; and the structures, processes and systems support the changes they are being asked to make.

Many social scientists emphasize especially this last element. The situation or our environment has a greater influence on our behavior that we might believe, and that by aligning structures, processes and systems with the desired behavior outcomes, organizational change is more likely to be successful. A similar point has been made by Thaler and Sunstein in their concept of “nudges,” which are attempts to influence our behavior with small suggestions and positive reinforcement (e.g., product placements, default options - “Would you like fries with that?”). Nudges have been applied successfully by organizations both with employees in the workplace and with consumers in the marketplace.

However, what’s seems missing in these approaches is the role of identity and the importance of developing habits for actually changing behavior more permanently. In his recent book, James Clear says that “true behavior change is identity change.” What does he mean by this?  He writes, “Your behaviors are usually a reflection of your identity. What you do is an indication of the type of person you believe that you are – either consciously or nonconsciously,” and “the more deeply a thought or action is tied to your identity, the more difficult it is to change it.”  Indeed, “Becoming the best version of yourself requires you to continuously edit your beliefs and to upgrade and expand your identity.”

In their book, Switch, the Heaths make a similar point. Using an identity framework, they point out that we ask ourselves three questions before making a decision on whether or not to change our behavior: Who am I? What kind of situation is this? What would someone like me do in this situation? This explains in part why people today still insist on going on with their routines despite the dangers of COVID-19. Those who consider themselves as young, healthy and hedonistic (“I never get sick,” “I love having a good time”) will not believe that the situation warrants their having to stay home (“It’s not that bad,” “I’ve been cooped up for too long”). Besides, many of their friends are no longer staying home anyway (“Let’s go and grab a drink; it wouldn’t hurt to have a bit of fun these days,” “You can’t stay at home forever, especially now that the weather is getting better”). And for others, it’s about their identity as individualistic Americans (“Other people who are like me would never think about wearing a mask,” “I don’t like anyone, especially the government, telling me what to do – that’s unAmerican”).

So how do you change your identity? According to Clear, through a two-step process: first, decide on the type of person you want to be, and second, prove it to yourself with small wins. To paraphrase Clear, you start by clarifying your identity and not by focusing on results or outcomes: “The focus should always be in becoming that type of person, not getting a particular outcome.” However, this is not sufficient, in my experience. You also need to consider how you can think about your identity differently, or about your different identities and which will best help you achieve your goals.

Recently, one of my students, who had just started working for a museum, described the frustrations she was feeling as a result of the resistance to change among some of the staff in the museum. If you’ve been going to museums in the past decade, I’m sure you have noticed all the changes that have been implemented to make museums more user-friendly, such as with more interactive and hands-on exhibits. In this museum, however, a number of long-tenured employees had been resisting any changes to modernize their museum. For this “old guard,” museums were about preserving the art and making sure museum-goers did not get too close to these objects for fear of damaging them; they saw themselves as guardians of the art. Asking these employees to change the way the museum presented its pieces was going against their deeply ingrained beliefs and identity.

So here are three recommendations for change leaders and for anyone interested in better understanding the dynamics of behavior change. First, and perhaps the most important, is role modeling. If you are a leader, you need to walk the talk and practice what you preach. You need to show others that you are living proof of applying the lessons you want others to learn.

Second, make sure that the environment or the organization’s structures, systems and processes are aligned with the goals of the change. This is where nudges can come into play. Companies like Apple and Google, for example, have cafeterias with long tables where employees from different departments can sit together (although perhaps with more social distancing these days) – therefore reinforcing the importance of collaboration.

And third, make sure that you understand people’s identity and how their identity can be made congruent with the changes they are being asked to make. In the case of the museum, this might mean reframing the old guard’s identity and recasting their role a bit differently. Remember that all of us have more than one identity and are capable of expanding our identities. For example, the museum director could start redefining the museum employees’ role as one that strives to maximize the museum-goer’s experience while at the museum. He could then ask some of these old-guard employees to join other employees on a task force to identify new ways to enhance this experience to make sure they continue to showcase the art. He could encourage them to learn some of the new technologies (e.g., having personalized recommendations for visitors based on data that would be collected beforehand, creating more immersive digital experiences) by contacting their counterparts in other museums and finding out about best practices. This reframing gets away from having to reject one’s identity completely, a difficult step for many of us.

In Rafael’s case, over time and after many coaching sessions, he began to view his identity a bit differently: that an effective executive is one who actively seeks feedback. By my pointing to him several effective executives in his organization who modeled this behavior, Rafael was able to reframe his idealized image of a successful executive. It has not been easy; through some initial small wins (for example, he has reached out to have coffee with several peers and found the conversations to be very helpful), I am hoping he will continue to make the changes he needs to make to be successful.

And for those who are still ignoring the warnings to socially distance themselves, consider reframing your identity or expanding your identity.  Yes, you are a healthy person who does not get sick but will make an exception and practice social distancing this time around just in case, since getting the virus is not going to be fun, to say the least. Yes, you are an individualistic American, but nonetheless an American who considers the rights and benefits of others (just like wearing seat belts or not smoking indoors does not necessarily trample on your individual rights). And being American also someone who cares about your family, friends and others and wants to make sure you are helping to make a positive difference. And yes, if some of the people you admire and respect (including public figures and celebrities), as well as some of your friends, are socially distancing and wearing masks (admittedly, a big “if” in some cases), perhaps you can too.

Clear, J. (2018), Atomic Habits: An Easy & Proven Way to Build Good Habits & Break Bad Ones. New York: Avery.

Feser, C. et al. (2018). Leadership at Scale: Better Leadership, Better Results. London: Nicholas Brealey.

Goldsmith M. and Reiter, M. (2015). Triggers: Creating Behavior That Lasts – Becoming the Person You Want to Be. New York: Crown.

Heath, C. and Heath, D. (2010). Switch: How to Change Things When Change Is Hard. New York: Currency.

Kotter, J. (1995). Leading Change: Why Transformation Efforts Fail. Harvard Business Review.

Thaler, R. and Sunstein, C. (2009). Nudge: Improving Decisions About Health, Wealth and Happiness. New York: Penguin Books.

Pivot, Prepare and Care: Advice for Small Business Owners

We all know that small business owners have been hit hard by the current COVID-19 crisis. In a recent survey by the National Bureau of Economic Research, less than 40% of small business survey respondents expect their businesses to be opened by the end of 2020. Earlier surveys by FEMA have found that 40% of businesses failed to reopen after a disaster and another 90% failed after two years.

Recently I spoke with small business owners via Zoom in my role as a mentor for an organization called SCORE (Service Corps of Retired Executives). After outlining these sobering statistics, in which very clearly the odds are stacked against them, I nonetheless suggested there's no reason to despair; although there are a lot of things beyond their control at the moment, how small business owners respond is very much within their control. The following is a shortened and slightly updated version of my talk.

What do you think these companies have in common other than they are all household names: GE, IBM, FedEx, IHOP, Trader Joe's, Hyatt, Burger King, and HP? They all started during depressions and recessions. Despite what's going on these days, I really believe there are still opportunities for entrepreneurs to succeed, and even thrive. After 9-11, there were a lot of businesses in Manhattan that failed but some others, especially those who adapted, were able to succeed.

Here are three tips that are important especially for small business owners to remember: pivot, repair, and care. I believe that these are close to the secret sauce that you need from a Human Resources perspective in order to restart your businesses successfully.

The first tip is to pivot by reexamining your business model. Now may actually be a great time for you to step back and reexamine all aspects of your business, especially since you have a little bit of breathing room and time. Don't assume your customers are all going to come back and expect everything to be the same as before. It certainly will not be business as usual for a while. Yes, it's been said that there will be a new normal; that's a fact. So, begin by asking yourself: if you were starting over again, which in a sense is what you are doing, what will you do differently?

I suspect that many of you are already thinking about your business differently and some have started to adapt. But you need to step back even further and take a hard look at these three aspects of your business: what you're selling, to whom you’re selling, and how you deliver. How can you adjust and adapt to each of these? Can you diversify your product or service? Can you expand your customer base? Can you change your distribution method? Remember what Warren Buffett once said: “The most important thing to do if you find yourself in a hole is to stop digging.” At the same time, keep in mind that your two top business priorities ought to be conserving cash and maintaining your current customers.

Many small businesses have taken to Zoom to expand their services and attract new customers. Even funeral parlors are offering memorial services through Zoom. Personal trainers have been offering Zoom classes for some time now, but a few are also offering classes not just to their customers but also to their customers’ children. Some small businesses are partnering with other businesses. For example, there is a restaurant in Connecticut that has partnered with grocery stores in the area to sell them prepared meals which these grocery stores then sell to the customers. A local florist has partnered with the home decor business in her town so that when customers order from this home decor store and receive their order, there is a surprise bouquet from the florist that comes with the delivery (with a coupon included).

Some of you are familiar with a business tool called SWOT, in which you examine the strengths, weaknesses, opportunities and threats of your business. While this can be done by yourself, use this opportunity to involve your staff in doing this SWOT analysis as a team; this can even be done through Zoom.

The second tip is to prepare by making your employees’ health and well-being a priority. Remember that your employees are worried and that you cannot run your business without them, so make sure you show them that they are your priority too. This means, first of all, educating yourself about applicable federal, state and local requirements for preventing the spread of COVID-19 and for getting funding. These guidelines and requirements are constantly evolving so you’ll need to check the latest updates from the CDC regularly.

Have a preparedness plan and procedures in place for employees; for example, make sure you have adequate face masks, sneeze guards, plexiglass dividers, social distance markers, hand sanitizers and disposable wipes. If you are shipping or receiving products, make sure your employees have the right cleaning supplies for wiping down and disinfecting. Enhance your regular housekeeping practices by deep cleaning regularly.

And if you offer teleworking and/or flexible hours, make sure you set clear expectations for employees working remotely, for example, when you expect them to be at their desks and how frequently they should be communicating with you. You also need to protect your business by making sure that their homes are safe (e.g., adequate electrical equipment and lighting, smoke detectors, etc.) and that their homeowners’ policies are up to date. Check with your insurance provider on your own coverage and do a cyber security audit (e.g., two factor authentication, anti-malware software). 

The third and perhaps most important tip is for you as a business owner to care by rebuilding morale. Your employees need a boost eight now, and I suspect that most of them want to go back to work. The key here is to engage with your employees. Are you in regular contact with them? Are you communicating with them and are you aware of their concerns about pay, safety, and their well-being? Research suggests that what your employees want most from you during these times are trust, compassion and hope. The best bosses today are more like coaches; they make their employees feel that they are working with you and not that they are just working for you.

Your employees are looking for signals from you. Of course you need to strike a balance between honesty and hope.  It's important not to sugarcoat what's going on with your business, but at the same time you need to give them some hope, especially with your outstanding performers who might start looking for other opportunities.

If you need to lay off or furlough, do this as a last resort and do it with compassion. Have a script so you don’t “wing it” and don’t make it about you. Be supportive, for example, by offering to write them letters of recommendation.

Make resilience your friend. Focus on what you can control. Remember that resilience gives you the flexibility to try out new things and get out of your comfort zone. Consider some of these “successful failures.” Walt Disney was fired from the local paper because he was told he lacked imagination. Stephen King’s book Carrie was rejected by over 30 publishers, while Colonel Sanders’ chicken recipe was rejected by over 1000 restaurants.

Finally, managing yourself and self-care are important in these times as well. You might remember those announcements on airplanes when in an emergency they suggest that you put on your oxygen mask first before helping others. When we are under a lot of stress, as research as pointed out (Hogan, 2020), the dark side of your personality starts showing up. Findings from neuroscience also tell us that sustained stress activates the amygdala and decreases activation of the prefrontal cortex (which is the part of the brain that we use in thinking rationally). Undue stress might also cause you to get very upset and take your stress out on others. It also causes distorts your judgment and causes you to make some decisions you might regret later. The stress effects on the frontal function make us spin our wheels, doing the same things over and over again even though they are not working, and tend to make us much more risk-taking – all because our executive function is no longer working for us (Sapolsky, 2017). 

So it's important to take care of yourself by first doing the basics: eating healthy, getting a good night's sleep, and exercising. Just as important is to stay positive. You can do this by some positive self-talk; for example instead of saying “this sucks,” tell yourself, “I am looking forward to opening up again and trying new things.” You can also do this by keeping some kind of a gratitude journal, for example, by writing down three things every day that you're grateful for that day.

Hogan, R, (May 13, 2020). Leadership Matters. https://www.hoganassessments.com/leadership-matters/#more-10466

Sapolsky, D. (2017). Behave: The Biology of Humans at Our Best and Worst. New York: Penguin Press.

The Not-So-Obvious Keys to Good Listening

When sharing the results of his 360-degree feedback with him, Henry seemed to show a great deal of interest – not surprising for someone who is considered a high-potential manager at a global services company. I had just started coaching Henry and found him to be bright, analytical and very ambitious. However, as I had experienced, Henry was not a good listener. He was quick to argue, and at times did not really pay much attention to any feedback that he sensed was negative. His 360 feedback results confirmed my intuition. Coming from subordinates, peers, his manager, and even from some senior executives, there was a consistent theme that Henry needed to be a better listener.

Henry did not accept this feedback well. He insisted that he was a good listener, that he paid attention when others were talking, and that he had improved his tendency to interrupt others by waiting (albeit impatiently) until they finished making their point. Furthermore, he claimed that he had been applying body-language listening techniques such as making eye contact and leaning forward. Were they just thinking about the old Henry, he asked? The comments about him did not seem accurate anymore, he claimed.

In my experience as a team member, manager and coach, I have become convinced that being a good listener is one of the most important qualities of an effective executive – indeed, of a good parent, physician, spouse, or friend. And there is considerable research on the benefits and impact of good listening. Just recently, Kate Murphy, in a recent New York Times opinion piece (January 12, 2020), referred to research that has found that “… when talking to inattentive listeners, the speakers volunteered less information and conveyed information less articulately. Conversely … attentive listeners received more information, relevant details, and elaboration from speakers, even when the listeners didn’t ask any questions.”

Yet so often, many of us fall short of becoming good listeners. What makes this especially challenging is our own self-serving bias. As the research has shown, we tend to believe that we are above average in many areas, e.g., driving skills, intelligence, etc., and I would bet this also applies to our perceptions of our listening skills. When I ask my students how many of them believe that they are good listeners, more than half raise their hands.

According to Oscar Trimboli, who has a book as well as a podcast called Deep Listening, we spend at least 55 percent of our day listening, yet only two percent are being trained to listen. He identifies the four villains of listening: the interrupting listener (who wants to jump in right away), the dramatic listener (who can’t wait to expand on what you are saying to add their own experiences), the lost listener (who checks out of the conversation), and the shrewd listener (who is too busy trying to solve the problem that the speaker is talking about and not really what might be unsaid).

Why are managers poor at it? When I think back on all the managers I have interviewed, reported to, managed, and coached, they seem to be holding one or more of these four assumptions. One, I am right and others are wrong; they have nothing to offer, while I am the expert with lots of experience. Two, I don’t want to show my ignorance or weakness by listening or asking questions. Three, I don’t have time to listen; my day is filled with tasks and meetings, so just get to the point. Four, I need to show that I can act quickly and make quick judgments; besides, I trust my gut.

This is a syndrome not just of managers but also of other professionals, especially physicians. For example, research suggests doctors interrupt their patients during an appointment after 11 seconds (median time), not even giving their patients a chance to fully explain the reason for their visit. And with the emphasis on electronic record keeping, remember your last doctor’s visit, when he or she probably spent more time typing on their laptop while talking to you than making eye contact and expressing empathy?

Unfortunately, the popular literature on listening seems to focus on techniques, such as watching your body language, nodding, mirroring or rephrasing. Trimboli, for example, suggests the following: listen to yourself (especially your breathing), listen to the content (not just the words but the whole person), listen to the context (the patterns in the person’s dialogue), listen to what’s unsaid, and listen for meaning. These are excellent suggestions. There is nothing inherently wrong with these techniques; in fact, they can be very helpful at times. But to be an effective listener requires something more fundamental than learning some techniques.

In my experience, becoming a better listener starts with making two decisions about yourself, and then following these up with actions. Your first decision is to resolve that you will want to become a more effective listener, and then start by identifying those situations or individuals when you fail to listen. For example, it might be when you are interacting with subordinates who you believe are too junior or whose intelligence you don’t respect. Or it might be when you are challenged or questioned by a person with whom you might feel competitive. Make a list of those situations; for some clients, I recommend they do a daily log (for which I’ve created a template) for two weeks and then look for themes.

Your second decision is to adopt a listening mindset by respecting what others have to say, and not rushing to judge too quickly on their remarks; in other words, listen first to understand. Then start by identifying specific behaviors you would like to improve on, for example, pausing or counting to three before responding, or watching your body language, so you can build your listening habits. Interestingly enough, what I have found is that some male executives will say that they are not just as good a listener as their spouse or some of their female managers – as though their being male is an excuse for being a poor listener. Guys, you have to be convinced that you want to and can be a better listener, and it has nothing to with your male identity.

It goes without saying that getting feedback from others is important, and this also requires listening. Find a trusted advisor or colleague who can regularly provide you with feedback on whether or not you are becoming a better listener and listen carefully to their feedback. If you truly want to become a better listener, you need to be convinced that listening will help you (and others) and that being a good listener is a quality you would like to see in yourself. So instead of focusing immediately on techniques, resolve first to become a better listener and adopt a listening mindset.

Trimboli, O. (2017). Deep Listening: Impact Beyond Words.